The Enduring Myths of Wine

I have seen many people in wine stores over the years, all with the same look on their faces:
What the hell am I doing here? Where do I start?
I sympathize, for these lost souls were once me. Modern wine culture has exploded from “Red or White?” to a puzzling miasma of choices and options. As a self-taught oenophile, I’m of the opinion that nobody wants to help these poor unfortunates. Rather, I think wine culture seeks to obfuscate and blind these new arrivals to its shores. Knocking over a few enduring myths regarding wine, therefore, becomes a public service.
As an aid to the perennially confused, then, I will open fire on a handful of the least helpful, yet most persistent, myths about wine.